"No strings attached sex" is bullshit. As my first experience of "no strings attached" sex didn't go so well. I have never had an issue with people having a one night stand, booty call or friends with benefits situation to each it's own. It's the phrase "no strings attached" that I despise. It never ends up being that easy no matter how it started. Sadly "no strings attached" became the next best thing for a man or a woman who is afraid of commitment.
In reality, no strings attached sex is used in many different scenarios: sex with strangers, sex with friends who we do not want romantically or even drunk sex. Often we use this situation if we have just broken up with a partner, or looking for some sort of validation that you are sexy and men crave you, or just wanting to try out that hot bartender that you and your friends are crushing on. Why does it end up being so complicated if it comes from two consenting adults?
I've had a ton of "No strings attached" sex in my life. By that I mean when I was 35 I had my first encounter with this situation. Which for a female entrepreneur with a crazy schedule that's all I would have the free time for.
I lost my virginity junior year of high school to a man I thought I was gonna marry cliche I know :) I was brought up hearing from both of my parents about abstinence and saving myself for the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. No offense mom and dad that sounds lovely but your generation is definitely different from mine. Well him and I didn't work out and after him my heart was broken for a long time.
So for the rest of high school and some of college I wanted nothing to do with dating anyone as my heart was broken. I enjoyed my free time and growing up and in the back of my head I hated men. So years went by before I started to date again. I had two relationships one that lasted for 4 years and then my most recent one of 9 years. After my last relationship again I lost myself and needed to do some self discovery. I always lived my life worrying about what other people would think about me and to be honest I was sick of it. I looked at my friends who were doing there thing and didn't care. Some of my friends were having a different booty call every night of the week. They swore by this method saying they have never have been happier. It made me start to question myself maybe I shouldn't try to stay mother Theresa and live a little. Could it be possible for someone to make me happy when I need them to and we don't expect anymore from each other?
The answer to that question was a no for me. After being single for a little over 2 years I decided to get back in the "saddle". Now mind you I didn't even know where to meet someone in this day and age. So one of my friends suggested online dating. So my quest began. I was not looking for a "no strings attached" relationship even though I was curious on one, but with my life being a joke that it is that is what happened to me.
After being online for a little over 2 weeks I get a message from a guy named Dave. I look at Dave's profile he is tall, has a beard perfect. He is handsome, nice smile and he works and drives so that is a plus in today's world. So I message him back and we go from there. We instantly hit it off staying up till like 2 am talking on the phone I felt like I was in high school again. He made me laugh for hours which I haven't done in what seemed like forever. After talking and snapping each other a little over a week we decided to meet up.
I had Dave just come over to my place. I was so nervous as I have never met someone off online or mind you have them meet at my house, but everything with Dave just seemed to be perfect. I felt he was definitely who he said he was. So Dave gets here and I go outside so I can meet him outside my apartment complex. He starts walking over to me and I am like damn he's hot this online thing was easy. He hugs me and I instantly felt a connection with him even with him being a complete stranger!
We go inside and still manage to find a hundred different things to talk about there was never a dull moment or awkward silence. Before he ends up leaving for the night he leans in and kisses me. I have never been kissed like that before not even with the guy I thought I was gonna marry! Our lips fit together like the perfect puzzle piece. We continued to kiss for awhile before he left my mind was racing. After Dave leaves I find myself standing up against my door tracing my lips wondering what did I just get myself into.
Dave and I continued to see each other. We are just casual no relationship tags just two people enjoying each other's company. Now comes the subject of having sex. Now at the beginning of this process I wasn't looking for a relationship. I wasn’t also against the notion of a boyfriend if one were to present itself. I was just looking for an adventure, something out of the box for myself. I liked the idea of "no strings attached" sex, at least I thought it I did. I wanted to hook up with a Dave and then have an adult discussion about what we wanted or didn’t want. Although it seemed like it would be that easy it wasn't at all.
Sex with Dave was amazing and out of this world. I have never felt so comfortable with someone that I wasn't in a "relationship" with. We have such an amazing connection our bodies just went together like two puzzle pieces a perfect match. Afterwards we cuddled and had yet again had an amazing conversation. After he left I just laid there thinking yet again oh Jessica what did you just do?
The next day our conversation continues as normal. We make plans to see each other the next day. We hook up again and again it is out of this world, mind blowing sex. We cuddle again for awhile before he leaves giving me the vibe that maybe he isn't just looking for a hookup. He starts telling me about his childhood, his fears hopes and losses. These are all things you talk about with someone you are interested in. My friends that have "no strings attached" sex tell me there is no conversations like we have. They say it is a text that is sent out saying come over and from there it happens there is no cuddling afterwards either and they don't talk till it's time to send another hookup text. So now my mind is spinning is Dave looking for more? Maybe its' time we have this "talk".
The following day Dave messages me in the am and we start to talk. I hit em right away with the question what do you want out of this? He immediately responded back with the I am not sure you? Now my mind is racing Jessica you are feeling this guy but then at the same token I don't want him to know that so he has leverage over me. Would me telling him I am looking for more than a hook up scare him away? I didn't want to lose what we had when it felt so right? How did my first "no strings attached" sex end me in this position?
He came over that night we agreed to talk about it then. So we have our conversation and we agree we want to keep it casual, we both have crazy work schedules and a lot going on it's probably for the best we keep it this way. However my brain is saying and agreeing but my heart is saying something different. So Dave and I continue as usual, seeing each other a couple of days a week, every time he has to leave I don't want him to go why? How did I end up in this situation when this was my idea? So later on that night I decided to watch the movie no strings attached I have seen it before but at that time of my life I couldn't relate to it. I watched the movie and it plays out exactly how my situation is. They fall for each other is that what is happening here?
I honestly couldn't understand it. I lived with the conviction that what I had originally wanted for myself wasn't a crazy unheard of idea or to demanding to ask of someone was it? Was I the one creating the problem of uncertainty here or what it the whole "not strings attached" sex? Was my idea just really a dumb move on my part or self defeating in anyway? Yet here I have my friends that are doing it and not one of them is catching feelings? How? Now don't get me wrong plenty of people told me not to do it because someone always develops feelings but how if we are both on the same page?
Now is the problem with "no string attached" sex the way we treat each other? The waiting game, the ignoring game and making you question everything that happened between you and your partner. The wording "no strings attached" makes you feel the need to be casual toward's each other's feelings and emotions and that my friends is where we are wrong. It's almost as we are giving our partner the okay to treat us a casual as they want and at their disposal as they wish.
So Dave and I ended up agreeing that we both have feelings for each other that we were not expecting to. We agreed to take a break and see what happens. I miss Dave's touch and I miss Dave's kisses but I also miss the respect I once had for myself. I cannot allow myself to be at someone's disposal like that, even when it was my idea. I understand why we use situations like this is to really cover up compassion our vulnerability and trust. "No strings attached sex makes us not care about each other by any means. When that moment is over we are alone yet again is that what we really want? Sex is more to me for sure it is about a physical and emotional connection. I feel like if you develop feeling in a "no strings attached" situation you are playing with fire.
I should have thought this all out more before getting myself into this situation. Any type of casual sex without caring to me is considered toxic. Sex without caring for your partner can lead to emotional insecurities on both parties involved, after all we are all human and no one likes rejection.
How I feel on this whole matter is, in order to be a partner to anyone whether its any type of casual sex, or a relationship you have to care. So needless to say this will be my one and only "no strings attached" relationship or any version of casual sex for that matter.
"The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it."-Woody Allen
XoXo
Jessica
Comments
Post a Comment